I saw an Instagram reel recently where two guys are talking about which stage they are in post-marriage. They both discussed topics like:
- Oh I’m learning how to keep the toilet seat up
- Oh I’m learning how to keep my plates back into the sink post a meal
- Oh I’m learning how to keep things in the cupboard
- Oh I’m learning to keep my towel to dry, and not leave it on the bed
- Oh I’m learning to remember birthdays, and wishing people, and getting gifts for them
and so on…. The reel had 100s of thousands of likes and shares.
I thought this is depressing. Humour is often used a commentary for reality, but this reality is not something we should be humouring.
It made me realise how low the baseline expectations are for men when it comes to everyday responsibility. Predictably, after getting into a relationship with a woman, they are learning these basic decencies that any human should possess. And then if they do them, feels like a massive achievement to them, when actually it’s not. They are lauded for doing the absolute basic, fundamentals things in a society - it’s absolutely mind boggling to me.
I talk about Indian men, things I have seen in my family and seen similar behaviours in friends and peers.
I’ve seen this pattern repeatedly, especially visible in Indian households, and they come to the fore only when a woman (most often their partner) who points this out to them. And the first step is awareness. Most men will just deny these habits, unless they are called at the moment those things happen.
When this is pointed out, the responses tend to fall into three buckets:
- “This is just who I am”
- “It doesn’t happen that often”
- “I’ll try”
All the three responses actually mean the same thing. I can’t really change because I don’t see a reason to, as I think its a great way to be. The responsibility of adjustment is moved onto the other person.
The women then also have to shoulder the responsibility for pointing these things out (because self-awareness is so poor), and obviously it needs to be done in a way that doesn’t hurt their ego (ex: nothing hurts the ego more of a guy when he is being publicly called out for being unhygienic).
This imbalance becomes even more visible in marriage, especially in how families / in-laws operate.As a son, a man benefits from familiarity and leniency in his own home. His habits are accepted as “just how he is.” But his partner is expected to adapt: to routines, rituals, and expectations she had no role in shaping. And interestingly, when the same man is with his partner’s family, expectations drop even further. Basic participation is appreciated, not assumed.
The asymmetry is not subtle.
Men somehow miss the obvious skew in power dynamics that are in their favour.
We often talk about equality in big, visible ways.
But in reality, it is negotiated daily - in kitchens and living rooms, in conversations, in who notices what needs to be done.
It shows up in who adjusts, who reminds, who carries the mental load.
Until those small, everyday dynamics shift, the larger idea of equality remains incomplete.