“Out of sight, out of mind”
This old adage holds true in so many different parts of our lives. What is in front of us is what usually takes precedence. And perhaps even more so when it comes to relationships. Most of our friendships begin as a casual interaction that is a consequence of forced proximity and luck. Deciding where to sit on your first day of school, which hostel room are you allocated or which desk do you sit on in your place of work. And these circumstances lead to interactions with people and based on what we like, we choose our friends. For me, this forced proximity was hostel life in college at BITS Goa, where the random allocation of my hostel room decided what friends I am going to have. Of course, I chose some people over others, but it was proximity which decided where I started from. Living together for 4 years - sharing countless meals, conversation and what seemed like endless nights, forged some of the foundational friendships I have. And it was easy for those 4 years. Easy to make friends, and easy to make-up when things go wrong. Because proximity made these problems easy to solve.
I had a similar experience at work at J.P. Morgan too. Sharing office space, similar problems and similar aspirations made it so easy to connect with people. I made some really great friends there too.
And over time some of those friendships have faded. Some have lasted. And some are sort of there, but hard to say where. And which made me think of proximity as a two fold concept:
- Physical proximity: This can be defined as sharing some sort of physical space at a fairly regular frequency. School, office, college, neighbourhood etc. It is the starting point of a relationship. It is what sparks the first conversation, the first interest, the first “vibe-check”.
- Mental proximity: This can be defined as how close you feel to the person. This happens when you get to know people and make decisions about them based on what they say, they do, what their beliefs and ideals are. You see the effect they have on you, and vice-versa. It is what you mean when you say “Im close to them”.
Physical proximity is where things start. It is also where relationships build into strong foundations. Because its just easier to talk and get to know people when you are around them Things happen spontaneously, without trying and when you fill those physical spaces with conversations about yourself and the other, and not only that, with inane stuff that happens around you, you cement the relationship one memory at a time. You can see and feel when things are not right, and often, even if you can’t fix it, just by being around makes things better. Words, actions and feelings begin to take deeper roots in your relationship, and you don’t even realise it. And soon enough you can call yourself “close” to those people.
This kind of physical proximity, of course, is not shared with everyone. And that’s what mental proximity is. We feel we are in a safe environment, where we are free to be vulnerable, feel we can share the bits of life we keep to ourselves. This mental space is reserved for the select few who can move beyond the ease of physical proximity, into our private, intimate mental space.
Mental proximity is what creates lasting friendships. It is when someone fills your mind-space and you fill theirs with positive feelings. Speaking and being around the person makes you feel good about yourself. And this kind of proximity transcends distance and overcome the drifting apart of friendships.
In a conversation with a really old friend, she said to me that she loved me. The honesty of that answer surprised me. The emotion was in past tense. It made tangible what I knew in my mind. We had drifted apart. Our old strong friendship did not stand the test of time. And she put it very succinctly, “there was steep growth and now that curve has gone flat”. And maybe it’s not flat, it’s probably going downward. And this what the visualisation would look like of mental proximity with a friend who has now drifted apart - steep rising curve, eventually flattening and going down with the passage of time.
I felt a bit sad at that. That I was not able to keep that rising; that I failed as a friend. Which made me realise that mental proximity is only maintained with actions. A phone call where you are actually sharing parts of your life, or the effort to meet despite the physical distance. Not the superficial, half-hearted try we sometimes do in the name of a catch-up. That is what is hard about being vulnerable. Sharing when no one can know without you telling them. Anyone can see you have broken your leg when you are in a cast in front of them. But to call a friend and tell them you broke your leg, is sharing pieces of your life that they cant possibly know without your input. And perhaps I failed at that. Being vulnerable is hard, because you need to get over the feeling that “why would anyone want to know that” and believe that your friends and family can only know it if you share it with them. That they actually care and want to know about you.
It becomes really hard to build friendships later in life. The environments usually play a big part - like where you live, work and just life in general, and one of the collateral damages of navigating the infinite priorities and being pulled in so many different directions is friendships.
It is hard maintaining relationships: whether it is with family or friends or your partner, and it requires, if not constant, regular work. As with all good things, mental proximity takes a really long time to build. And as with all good things, it is an incredibly rewarding feeling to have great relationships.
I just hope I can do better. I do try. Need to try harder.
Love this song by The Fray - How to save a life